How This and That Happened
by Corpse-Prodder
Summary: WE SEE THE BINDING!!! =D
1. Turel's Absence Explained!

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**Why Turel Wasn't Present******

**_By_******

**Evelin The Winged, Advisor to the Cucumber Lord**

ETW: *Takes a bite out of a cucumber* I have a plan! I shall kill the Cucumber Lord, that way, I shall rule! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! \_/

The People: O.o

ETW: WHAT?! I just killed the Potato Lord a couple of days ago! Think I can't handle this?

Random Person: But you're eating him right now.

ETW: *look's at the cucumber and notices a little screaming mouth* So I am!! SEE?! I KILLED HIM!!! *takes another bite*

BO2 Kain: OK, so you killed a couple of veggies, but I doubt you can kill the Sarafan Lord!

ETW: I'm your father-I mean I'm an author! I can easily kill him! All authors can!!! Watch this! *turn's into Umah*

BO2 Kain: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! *run's out and comes back with SR2 Kain* Here, take him! *run's out*

ETW: *turn's back and look's at SR2 Kain* What should I turn into?

SR2 Kain: I'm busy!

ETW: No your not. Their probably not even done with the demo and all that stuff yet for SR3 and I doubt that they'll make a BO3, so tough.

SR2 Kain: But wouldn't you wanna play with a prefallen version of Raziel?

ETW: Yeah, but you'd be sitting on your ass the whole time giving out orders, so I doubt that that would be a BO3 then…It could be Soul Reaver 0 though, like Resident Evil 0*suddenly disappears and Vamp Raziel appears-and takes a bite out of what remains of the Cucumber Lord.*

SR2 Kain: Is that an illusion, or did you actually turn-

ETW: It's an illusion, DUH. *takes another bite* And I'm gonna stay like this until-

SR2 Kain: Until you get one wish?

ETW: Well no duh!

SR2 Kain: And your wish is…?

ETW: Tell me what happens in the beginning of SR3?

SR2 Kain: Hehehe, you'll have to wait and see! *gets hit in the face with a potato* OW!

ETW: Then tell The People what this goddamn fic is about, you sphincter.

SR2 Kain: Isn't Raziel or Turel supposed to do this?

ETW: NOW!!! :-(

SR2 Kain: Ok, ok…This stupid fic-*a knife is held against his throat* this _wonderful fic tells us why Turel didn't appear in SR1-HAPPY?! *gets a cucumber stuck in his eye* HEY!_

ETW: I hate cucumbers.

Random Person: Then why do you eat them?

ETW: BECAUSE I'M THE NEW CUCUMBER LORD NOW THAT I KILLED THE OLD ONE!!!!

Random Person: You mean Lady? *gets shot in the head*

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_Music start's to play-ice cream truck music from GTA 3._

ETW: WAIT!!! STOP THE MUSIC!!! I forgot…*changes back* OK! You can start now!...Just leave out the music…

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_One day, the day before Raziel became a Soul Reaver, Turel was watching X Files on TV with Morlock._

Turel: Ooohh!!! Creepy!!! That guy's lost his skin!

Morlock: And the way he kills people reminds me of the Reapers in Blade 2!

Turel: And his eyes are completely white!

Morlock: That's X-files, for ye!

Turel: LOOK! Another alien!  It's got freaky glowing green eyes! Wait…I saw one in my dream last night! *suddenly scratches his butt and discovers the truth* OH NO!!!

Morlock: What?

Turel: *pick's up phone* I must call Kain!

Kain (sitting on his ass on the throne): *his mobile is suddenly heard ringing to the tune of 'Freestyler'* *pick's it up* Yello? 'Ey, Turel!

Turel: _Kain, I think I was given an anal probe last night!_

Kain: Oh _pshaw, pshaw! Yeah, anal probe, __riiiight. And who may these aliens be? _

Turel: I remember their green eyes…

Kain: GREEN EYES?! I mean…_yeah, right, sure, whatever…*hangs up on Turel* *to himself*This is gonna suck._

Turel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE HUNG UP ON ME!!!!

Morlock: *Thinking that Turel went coo-coo* Gotta go guard the Tomb now, bye Mr. T. *leaves*

Turel: *calling after him* That's Mr.'Turel' to you, foo'!

**_A grey skinny thing with green glowing eyes and a crest appears in front of him._**

?\_/?: _Greetings…Nosgothling(?). We have come for ye._

Turel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*get's dragged away* WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

?\_/?: Hylden! *big grin*

Turel: Ok…*call's Kain again* KAIN!

Hylden 1: What the fuck did you say, you fag-bag?!

Turel: *to Hylden 1* Rain. *on the phone* THEY GOT ME!!!

Kain: *annoyed* OK, OK, whatever! Keep your pants dry, for god's sake-can you spare a few days?

Turel: Why?!

Kain: I'm gonna be very busy tomorrow-running around Nosgoth. You know my Soul Reaver?

Turel: Yeah?

Kain: That's your older brother in the future-I gotta fix this-see why I' so busy?

Turel: *confused* NO!

Kain: Oh well, then-BYE! See you soon. *hang's up on him again*

Turel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *phone is suddenly taken from him* HEY!

Hylden 1: No phones allowed where we're goin'

Hylden 2: Yep.

* * *

**During the empty time waiting for SR3 to come out…**

Raziel: *look's at Reaver* I need help getting this thing off me.

Kain: *suddenly appears* OK, I got another annoying phone call from your stupid brother-you need to go save him.

Raziel: But that thing will get me!

Kain: What thing?

Raziel: This THING stuck to my arm-ARE YOU BLIND?!

Kain: Sort of-I thaught that the redial button was the thing that let's you hang up on people-made me talk to Turel again and listen to his endless whining.

Raziel: So he need's my help?

Kain: Pretty much.

Raziel: GOOD! I CAN KILL HIM BY NOT GOING TO HIM! *insane laugh*

Kain: *backing away from him* You feeling ok?

Raziel: NO. I'll only rescue Turel AFTER I have my vacation! *a backpack suddenly appears and he picks it up and begins to leave* I need a shrink too-see ya.

Kain: But, like Amy said, "He is a critical piece to the puzzle!"

Raziel: VACATION FIRST, SAVING NOSGOTH LATER!!! *leaves*

Kain: … *is left alone in the spectral realm* This place stinks. *shift's back to Material*

_Vacation while CD is busy making SR3…_

Raziel ( is at a nice beach full of wraiths like him and people that died like Magnus, Marcus, Sebastian, Umah, yadda, yadda, yadda.):*wearing sunglasses* ^_^

Umah: *looking at him again*

Raziel: *gets scared again* W-what?! Eh?!

Umah: *goes back to what she is doing* …

Raziel: I'm on vacation, so if you don't mind-BACK OFF!!!

Umah: 0_0!

Raziel: :{

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Evelin: OK…just a little bonus chapter…yeah…

Raziel: Just what I need-vacation.

Evelin: Have fun. :-)

Raziel: Bye. *tries to go and throw water on Umah* \_/

Evelin: :-) How nice, torturing the vampire who tried to get his dad's attention-what a pleasant scene-

Umah: *bloodcurdling scream is heard* IT BURN'S!!! GOD HELP ME!!!

Evelin: *evil smile* \_/

Evelin: Well, that's all for now, folks. VERY BIG portions of land to rule over and godly powers to be given to those who review!!! PLUS, first person to review will get a chance to have Moebius for a day! The poor old man! *hold's staff up*


	2. What is this Binding Thing Anyway!

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**WHAT IS THIS _BINDING ANYWAY?!_******

_By_

**Evelin The Winged, The NEW Cucumber Lord**

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK but I created Roz the Summoner…Did you get that or are you the slow-minded type?

Three Ancients: *are smoking and there is smoke around them-about 5 feet around them* … *another ancient accidentally walk's into them, run's out of the smoke and sorta get's high*

ETW: Thankies for the reviews peeps *thumbs up*…cool…soaaa…*snap's out of her stonedness* AAAHHH!!! Anyway, Here's something else for you guys…we see the Pillars being Summoned!...A.K.A. the Binding? What is the Binding anyway?…yeah…the Binding…yeeaah…ok…I need to go take some pills now.  *run's off*

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_Once upon a time, there were ten guardians, a Summoner, and-_

Dimension Guardian: It's a piece of marble.

Balance Guardian: What the hell do we want with that?

Roz: Let me explain before I kick you in the nut! :-( Anyway, you guys are lookin' at the piece of material that will make these friggin' Pillars…do you guys have the Reaver?

Janos: Umm…The Reaver? It's…

Roz: YOU MEAN YOU FORGOT IT?! *eyes turn red and she breathes fire*

Janos: Actually…uh…well, you see…on my way over here, this portal suddenly appeared out of thin air, and out came an old man with a staff with a snake coiled around it. He then grabbed it from me and ran away.

Roz: WE'LL NEVER FINISH THIS HERE BINDING THING WITHOUT IT THOUGH!!! *almost explode's*

Janos: Maybe we can!

Roz: *look's at him like he's an idiot*

Time Guardian: We've no choice! The old guy is a Time Guardian, we're doomed anyway!

Janos: Who's gonna live?

Time Guardian: Roz and you…but something's gonna happen to both of you.

Janos: I hope you mean something _good._

Roz: Since we're doin' nothin' but just standing here doin' nothin' let's just get this over with…I need a golden ring.

Nature Guardian: Here. *throw's a golden ring over to her*

Roz: *catches it* Now we have all of the ingredients!!! =D

_So she create's the Pillars in an indescribably cool way (OK, so I'm too lazy to describe it, got a problem with that, buddy?!), binding each guardian to their pillar…Janos already was Reaver guardian so he didn't need to go through that._

Janos: It should work now! *the old man with the staff suddenly appears with the Reaver and gives him the staff and disappears* …???!!! *the old man appears again with a POed expression and swap's the staff with the Reaver and dissapears again* Well, that made more sense.

Roz: …Oh, so NOW we get it, do we?! GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These Pillars are bugged now!!! :-(

States Guardian: How about install XP? It made my computer faster.

Janos: …Computer?

States Guardian: Oops. O.-

Roz: GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! GODDAMN BILL GATES!!! :-(

Time Guardian: Yeah, and besides, XP is still new so it's still buggy-some games don't work on it.

Roz: WE'RE NOT PLAYING GAMES HERE, WE'RE TRYING TO GET THESE PILLARS TO WORK!!! Uh-oh, it's malfunctioning…*is banished to the demon dimension*

Janos: *stupidly* Where did she go?

Balance Guardian: Do we have to explain everything?! :-(

_Hylden Sorcerers and Sorceresses then use the blood curse_

Hylden Sorcerers and Sorceresses: EAT THIS!!! \_/

_The Ancients get cursed_

Ancients: DAMN!!!

_At the Pillars…_

Nature Guardian: I'm suddenly very thirsty…FOR BLOOD!!!

Vampire Gex: *suddenly appears* Hey, that's my line!!! :-(

Nature Guardian: Tough! *gets his ass kicked*

Mind Guardian: *tinkering with the Pillar parts* Must…get…this thing…to work!!! *ZAP*

_The Hylden are then suddenly taken to the Demon Dimension_

Balance Guardian: Well, their with God now…*they all look at him like he's an idiot* What?

Time Guardian: With God?

Balance Guardian: I mean with Roz! Damn, she's gonna die…

_At the Demon Dimension…_

Roz: *running away from Hylden* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-At least I ain't cursed-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Back on Nosgoth, Janos makes Vorador a vampire and makes him kill all of the members of the circle but then realizes that he doesn't wanna die and that there were human Guardians being born and make's Vorador stop._

Janos: Let's just accept that we're cursed and get on with playing chess and reading Harry Potter and Nancy Drew!

Vorador: *is horrified beyond words* OUCH! GOD HELP ME!!! \_

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Evelin: *looking over what she wrote* Well, that was…disturbing…ok, that's the binding for ya'!

Turel: Am I gonna be in the next chapter?

Evelin: Lemme see….HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-no.

Turel: DAMN! :-(

Evelin: But you will be in my other fics!

Turel: …Is that a good thing?

Evelin: …

Evelin: Next chapter we will find out who Raziel's human father is… O.o

Roz: *running out of the right side of the screen* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *disappears on the other side of the screen and a huge group of Hylden are seen coming out of the other side of the screen running after her-they exit the same way*

Evelin: …

Vorador: NO NANCY DREW, PLEASE!!!

Evelin: Oh yeah, and the fledgling Vorador is bald-explains the no hair thing-and has prince Charles ears (he can wiggle them too!!!)-this also explains the big ears. Anyway, I FOUND BABY PICTURES!!! *takes a bunch of black n' white pics of Vorador when he was a kid* \_/

Vorador: 0.0! NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! GIVE THOSE BACK!!!

Evelin: Well, that's all for now, folks. Of course, VERY BIG portions of land the size of Texas to rule over and godly powers to be given to those who review!!! First person to review gets Moebius, second gets Mr. Elder God, third gets the Sarafan Lord, and the fourth gets to have Hash'ak'gik'-or you can just pick one out ~_^

~This is Evelin The Winged signing off…For now. =D


End file.
